Caleb and I crossed a threshold in our relationship yesterday. And that threshold is that he peed on my leg.
I was like sitting in our sex dungeon, chained to a stretching rack, suffering from a deep sense of ennui. “It seems like we’ve tried everything before,” I moaned to Caleb, who was hanging from meat hooks installed in the ceiling. “Our sex life has gotten so boring.”
"I could pee on your leg?" he suggested.
"Ding ding!" I proclaimed.
I had a baby in March. I have been meaning to write something about it for months. Outside of “I am so in love with this baby” or “this is more life changing than I could have anticipated” I haven’t had any ideas that were interesting. Until Saturday night. A friend and colleague brought it to my attention that long ago, either before I was pregnant or in the very early days of it, I publicly reviled people who turn their social media accounts into a platform to blast everyone with pictures of their kids.
If I recall, my line of thinking was that if I am following your feed it means I am interested in you. While your child is an important part of “you”, he or she is not what I would consider my main interest. I also thought, sure, your baby is cute, but not as cute as he or she is to you, so just calm the fuck down already. I may have even said “Nobody cares about your fucking kid!”
Throughout my pregnancy I maintained, I wouldn’t become one of them. One of the boring people posting picture after picture of their baby.
I scrolled through my Facebook account to assess the evolution of my profile since having the baby. My twitter feed and tumblr, both severely neglected, even before the baby, all revealed the same thing. Resistance was futile, I was assimilated. As soon as I had enough wits about me, the barrage began. Picture after picture of Weston. Who was there, encouraging me? All the other parents. Parents of parents and parents and fucking parents. “He’s so adorable!” and “OMG I just want to squeeze him!” or “Precious, enjoy every moment”. And the “likes”, let me tell you, you think you get a lot of attention when you get engaged or buy a house or get a new job? Try having a baby, your feed goes fucking nuts.
Before the Beyonce concert, I went with Freg Gay and his boyfriend Myles to the beach near Freg’s parent’s summer home in Old Lyme, Connecticut.
Freg Gay and Myles are like a shockingly attractive couple. Freg is Irish and Belgium, and very fit from working out. Myles, who is Jewish on his mother’s side and African American on his father’s, is a vegan who does not drink alcohol or caffeine. He meditates on a daily basis. His physique has the sort of sculpted perfection of someone who does not degrade the temple of his body. Next to them, I look like an earthworm who has been caught in a rain shower, and left to die on a slab of pavement.
It’s my #lucky day! Found a dollar! #GoodDay so far. Someone’s loss is my gain!
I just love Nieks
I’ve got nothing new to say about the George Zimmerman verdict. I actually don’t know that much about the case itself, and can’t really speak to any of the facts. Neither, apparently, can the jury, the prosecution or the defense attorneys.
But I think that two symbolic things can be taken away from it:
1. I don’t know if anyone else is with me on this, but George Zimmerman looks like he is congenitally retarded. I don’t say this to be funny. A man with eyes that close together has to have some wires that are crossing.
If his situation teaches us anything, however, it is that he shouldn’t have been carrying a gun. Not only would Trayvon Martin be alive, but George Zimmerman probably would never have gotten out of his car in the first place. Guns give people courage that they wouldn’t normally have — and it enables them to make stupid, flash decisions.
Say George Zimmerman just had a can of pepper spray. He sees a tall black kid in a hoodie walking around in his neighborhood. He says to himself, “Num dum dum, that looks suspicious, but I’m not going to get out of the car and handle this situation because I’m gonna get myself hurt.” Then he calls the police, and stays in his fucking car.
I don’t know if Zimmerman shot Trayvon for racial reasons, or out of self defense, or if he really had some sort of delusions of doing good for the neighborhood. Apparently, he had applied to the police academy, and been rejected — for a variety of reasons, among them that his ex-girlfriend had taken a restraining order out against him on domestic abuse charges.
Bottom line — dumb people shouldn’t have guns. When are we going to fucking wake up? Shit, I’m too tired to write anymore on this subject.
2. Even if the Zimmerman case has nothing to do with race, it still has brought up some really important outrage about the way that black men are treated by our justice system.
If you don’t know by now, there are more African-American adults behind bars today than there were slaves before the Civil War. Prison populations have gone up 700% since 1970. There are actually fucking private companies that make money off this shit. One in three African American males born today will be behind bars at some point in their lives. Read about it on the fucking ACLU website.
Now, unless you’re a eugenicist a la Hitler, and you actually believe that there are genetic differences that cause black men to commit more crimes, you’ll see that something is fucking fucked up with the system. It’s rigged against people of color, and we need to do something about it.
I don’t know what that something is, but if you know of something I can personally do to help change this, I’m very eager to hear more about it. America.
On a side note, you should also read Louis Menand’s article in the New Yorker about the Voting Rights Act (available in full online, even without a subscription). If nothing else, it will make it clear how recent and apocalyptic the racial violence was against black people in the South. This shit did not happen in ancient times. It happened in the 1960s.
I’m sick of not doing anything about this bullshit. I want more gun control, and I want a justice system that isn’t rigged against black people, because that’s not a society that benefits anybody, not even me, a white woman. This is just an early morning rant, and now I’m off to watch more episodes of “Orange is the New Black,” which incidentally is about hilariously dumb women in prison.